West Exit To Fernley
by Chris Nolan

CHAPTER 1 – FERNLEY NEWS

 

A book burning, hosted by the Fernley First Revival Church, is scheduled for this Saturday at the south end of Pap Yoakum’s corn field.  Reverend Tipps is asking for contributions to the event and has thus far amassed thirteen Harry Potter novels, five copies of Huckleberry Finn and one paperback edition of Powerful Mojo, a book by noted local author, C. Edgar Nolan.  “We think this is going send a strong message,” Tipps told reporters. 

 

When informed of the event, Nolan said that a copy of his book had been stolen from the backseat of his car a week ago.  “I don’t care if they burn it,” he stated, “but I think they should pay for it first.  It’s the Christian thing to do.”

 

Reverend Tipps dismissed Nolan’s accusation, characterizing it as “the mindless rant of a Godless man who has dedicated himself to blasphemous writings.” 

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CHAPTER 2 - THE BOOK BURNING

 

Jan:      Thank you for joining us here.  I’m Jan Malkovich and this is Fernley Happens Radio. Our guest on today’s show is Reverend Bob Tipps of the Fernley First Revival Church.  Welcome, Reverend Tipps.

 

Tipps:  Thank you, Jan.  It’s a pleasure to be here.

 

Jan:      Tell our audience, if you would, about the work your church does for the community.

 

Tipps:  Well, Jan, Fernley First Revival Church is committed to bringing the community and our nation into line with the principles of Christianity as stated in the Bible.  We feel that our country has drifted from the Christian spirit that was intended by our founding fathers.  We have dedicated ourselves to this mission and we’re working hard to make it a reality.

 

Jan:      I understand that you’ve proposed a new Constitution for the United States.

 

Tipps:  Yes we have, Jan.  Actually, I wouldn’t call it a new Constitution, but rather a revised Christian Constitution that recognizes our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, as the rock upon which this nation was built.

 

Jan:      Tell me about the book burning that your church held last Saturday.

 

Tipps:  Oh yes, it was a glorious event.  We wanted to make a statement about the books that are being sold on the open market — books that corrupt our children and our society.  We had a great turn out, and a good time was had by all.

 

Jan:      Specifically, what books were burned?

 

Tipps:  Oh, there were a lot of them.  Mark Twain books, Harry Potter books, a Koran…

 

Jan:      Powerful Mojo?

 

Tipps:  Yes, we threw a copy of that one into the fire as well.

 

Jan:      I’ve spoken with C. Edgar Nolan, the author of that book.  He said that he forgives you for stealing it from his car.

 

Tipps:  That’s absolutely ludicrous. 

 

Jan:      Where did you get the book?

 

Tipps:  It was donated by one of our parishioners.

 

Jan:      Is it possible that one of your parishioners stole it from his car?

 

Tipps:  Of course not.  This is just an attempt by Nolan to cast dispersions on the church.  We’re doing God’s work and we’re doing it in a Christian manner.

 

Jan:      Nolan says that his book sales have skyrocketed as a result of the publicity he’s received from this event.

 

Tipps:  It just goes to show that we have a lot of hard work before us, Jan.

 

Jan:      Nolan says that he would gladly contribute a copy of his upcoming book to your next book burning…

 

Tipps:  We have no interest in any dealings with a blasphemer.

 

Jan:      … and then you wouldn’t have to steal it.

 

Tipps:  That’s ridiculous.

 

Jan:      It appears that our time for this segment has just about expired.  I’d like to thank you for joining us here today, Reverend Tipps.  It has certainly been an honor to have you as our guest.

 

Tipps:  It’s been a pleasure, Jan.  And I’d like to invite your listeners to join us at Fernley First Revival for worship this Sunday morning at nine o’clock.

 

Jan:      Thank you, Reverend.

 

Tipps:  I’ll be delivering a sermon about the evils of integration in our public schools.

 

Jan:     speechless — turns head slowly to make eye contact with Tipps

 

Tipps:  The Bible tells us that separate but equal is God’s plan.

 

Jan:      That’s about all the time we have for today.

 

Tipps:  We’ve spelled that out very clearly in article five of our Christian Constitution.

 

Jan:      And I thank our listening audience for joining us.

 

Tipps:  I’d like to extend a special invitation to you to visit our church this Sunday, Jan.  Can we plan on seeing you there?

 

Jan:      We hope you’ll be with us next week when our guest will be noted author, poet and casino dealer, C. Edgar Nolan. 

 

Tipps:  We didn’t steal his book.

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CHAPTER 3 – INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR

 

Jan:      Hello once again and welcome to Fernley Happens Radio.  I’m Jan Malkovich and our guest today is Fernley author/poet, C. Edgar Nolan.  Welcome to our show, Mr. Nolan.

 

Chris:   Thanks, Jan.  Please call me Chris.

 

Jan:      Your book, Powerful Mojo, seems to have created quite a stir here in Fernley.

 

Chris:   If Pap Yoakum’s pig gets out of its pen, it creates a stir in Fernley.

 

Jan:      Reverend Tipps of the Fernley First Revival Church has characterized your book, and I quote here, as “…the mindless rant of a Godless man who has dedicated himself to blasphemous writings.”

 

Chris:   God bless him.

 

Jan:      Do you take exception with his assessment?

 

Chris:   Have you ever been to one of his “come to Jesus” meetings?

 

Jan:      Well, not actually.

 

Chris:   Ever wonder why there aren’t any black folks in his congregation?

 

Jan:      Let’s talk about your upcoming book, West Exit to Fernley. And I thank you for providing an advance copy to me.

 

Chris:   You’re welcome, Jan. 

 

Jan:      You seem to have a low opinion of Evangelicals and certain politicians.

 

Chris:   They seem to have a pretty low opinion of me.

 

Jan:      In your new book, you claim to have conversations with God.

 

Chris:   Nobody thought it was a big deal when George Bush made the same claim.

 

Jan:      He claimed that?

 

Chris:   He said that God told him to invade Iraq. 

 

Jan:      He said that?

 

Chris:   It was on You Tube.

 

Jan:      You imply, in your book, that you are on a mission from God.

 

Chris:   Yeah, I’m tying up a few loose ends for the Blues Brothers.

 

Jan:      You have accused Fernley First Revival Church of stealing a copy of your book for their book burning last week.  Did you make a police report?

 

Chris:   No, being the compassionate guy I am, I figured anyone who needed reading material badly enough to steal it was in pretty sad shape and needed a break.  I didn’t want to make an issue of it.

 

Jan:      Do you have any proof that a member of the church stole your book?

 

Chris:   No copies of Powerful Mojo were sold in the great City of Fernley.  Then Fernley First Revival shows up with a copy a few days after the theft. 

 

Jan:      And that’s your proof?

 

Chris:   I received a call from one of the parishioners and was told who did it before the burglary was public knowledge.

 

Jan:     So you know who stole the book?

 

Chris:   Yep.

 

Jan:      Who was it?

 

Chris:   I’m not saying. 

 

Jan:      Why not?

 

Chris:   God told me to forgive him.

 

Jan:      Thanks for joining us here today, Chris.

 

Chris:   Anytime, Jan. 

 

Jan:      That’s all the time we have for today’s show.  Be sure to tune in next week when our guest will be Father Rupert Murphy from Saint Augustine’s Church of Fernley.

 

Chris:   You need to ask Murphy why he was transferred out here from the Boston archdiocese. 

 

Jan:      He’ll be discussing some of the youth programs his church has developed here in Fernley.

 

Chris:   He likes the altar boys.

 

Jan:      And thanks for joining us here on Fernley Happens.

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CHAPTER 4 - THE ICON

 

Jan:      Hello, and welcome once again to Fernley Happens.  Our scheduled guest, Father Rupert Murphy, could not be with us today.

 

Pap:     You just cain’t depend on them Catholics.

 

Jan:      He has been called away on pressing matters.

 

Pap:     Probably pressing his traveling clothes to make a fast exit.

 

Jan:      But we’re honored to have one of Fernley’s most prominent citizens with us today, an icon in the community, Pap Yoakum.  Welcome, Mr. Yoakum.

 

Pap:     That Nolan guy said that Murphy’s a pervert.

 

Jan:      You’ve been a resident of Fernley for a long time.

 

Pap:     Did you hear about the Pope buying into that evolution stuff?

 

Jan:      I imagine you’ve seen a lot of changes here in Fernley.

 

Pap:     Oh yeah, we got a roundabout traffic circle now, and a WalMart up there by the highway and a new casino right in the middle of town.  I tell ya, this place is growing by leaps and boundaries. 

 

Jan:      I drove past your place the other day.  I noticed that you still have a Ron Paul for president sign on your property.

 

Pap:     Hell yeah, I do.  I’m proud to say that I’m a patriotic American and we need someone like Ron Paul to lead this country instead of that colored guy.

 

Jan:      I understand that you ran for city counsel last year.

 

Pap:     That Obama guy is a Muslim, just like them terrorists.

 

Jan:      The Fernley First Revival Church held a book burning at your place a couple of weeks ago.

 

Pap:     I think we sent a strong message.

 

Jan:      The author of Powerful Mojo claims that a member of the church stole a book from his car and tossed it into the fire there.

 

Pap:     Nolan’s just a trouble maker, probably a California boy.  Those people come to Fernley and then they start talkin’ about nationalized health care and spreadin’ conspiracy talk about how nine-eleven was an inside job.  It’s people like that what give Fernley a bad name.

 

Jan:      So what do you see as the future for Fernley?

 

Pap:     They’re planning an invasion.

 

Jan:      Who’s planning an invasion?

 

Pap:     Them Muslims, they’re fixin’ to take over America.

 

Jan:      Thank you for joining us here today, Mr. Yoakum.

 

Pap:     By God, we’re ready for them.

 

Jan:      And thanks to our listening audience for being here with us again on Fernley Happens Radio. 

 

Pap:     They’ll never make it past the city limit sign.

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CHAPTER 5 - THE GREAT DEBATE

 

Jan:      Hello, and welcome once again to Fernley Happens.  Today, we have with us three citizens of Fernley who will be discussing current topics here in our city.  Reverend Tipps of the Fernley First Revival Church; long time resident of Fernley, Pap Yoakum; and Fernley author, C. Edgar Nolan.  May I call you Chris, Mr. Nolan?

 

Chris:   Of course, Jan. 

 

Pap:     Where’s that Murphy guy from the Catholic Church?

 

Jan:      We’re going to have an open forum on today’s show.  Welcome, gentlemen.

 

Pap:     Hey Nolan, you run that perv out of town?

 

Jan:      Perhaps we could start with a discussion of some current events here in Fernley. 

 

Tipps:  Our church is holding a vigil next Thursday to show our support for the members of the Bush administration.

 

Chris:   Specifically which members of the Bush administration are you talking about?

 

Tipps:  All of them.

 

Chris:   Are you including the ones who authorized the torture?

 

Pap:     That weren’t nothing but a little water in the face. 

 

Tipps:  There seems to be a lot of controversy right now about that, but the Bush administration kept us safe from foreign invasion ever since those nine-eleven attacks.

 

Chris:   According to the CIA, no useful information was obtained as a result of torturing the prisoners.

 

Pap:     They ain’t prisoners, they’re detainees.

 

Tipps:  George Bush did what he had to do to keep us safe from the terrorists.

 

Pap:     He put the fear of God into them Muslims.

 

Chris:   Tell us about the Jews, Pap.

 

Pap:     Hell yeah, I’ll tell you about them Jews.  They’re just a bunch of money grubbin’ bankers… 

 

Chris:   That’s the spirit, Pap.  Let it all hang out.

 

Jan:      Perhaps we could move on to a different…

 

Tipps:  The Bible tells us that God loves all his children and He has given us a path to salvation through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…

 

Chris:   God told me that He doesn’t care much for you.

 

Pap:     Now there you go again, saying that God talks to you.

 

Chris:   It’s all in my upcoming book, Pap.

 

Tipps:  God speaks to us through the Bible.

 

Chris:   What did God say when you got busted for lewd and lascivious acts with a minor back in Florida?

 

Jan:      Perhaps we could move on…

 

Tipps:  We have all sinned and fallen short of the grace of God. 

 

Chris:   How much time you do on that one, Tipps?

 

Tipps:  I came to Jesus as a babe in arms…

 

Chris:   Three years in the slammer.  Isn’t that about right?

 

Tipps:  I’ve dedicated my life to God, and our church is bringing God into the mainstream of America.  I’m proud of our members and what we’ve accomplished here in Fernley, and it’s people like you who disrupt the community with your blasphemous writings.

 

Pap:     Yeah, he’s one of them California boys.  Haaaaahaha.

 

Chris:   Go ahead and laugh, you moron.

 

Jan:      Perhaps we could…

 

Pap:     That’s a insult!

 

Jan:      That’s about all the time we have for today’s show.  I’d like to thank our guests for joining us today.

 

Chris:   It’s been a pleasure, Jan.   

 

Tipps:  Thank you, Jan.  I hope we’ll see you at our vigil this Thursday evening at seven o’clock.

 

Pap:     That was a insult!

 

Chris:   Kiss my ass, Pap.

 

Jan:      And thanks to our listening audience for joining us here on Fernley Happens.

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CHAPTER 6

Shortly after appearing on a local radio show this Wednesday, Reverend Tipps of the Fernley First Revival church was arrested in the WalMart parking lot on charges of failing to register as a sex offender.  Tipps is being held on $50,000 bail.

 

Pap Yoakum’s pig got loose from its pen and members of community have organized a search party.  Anyone with information regarding the pig is asked to call Fernley First Revival Church as Pap doesn’t have a telephone.

 

Local author, C. Edgar Nolan has been contacted by a major publisher regarding a book contract for an undisclosed amount of money.  “Details will be forthcoming,” Nolan told reporters.

 

Pablo’s Mexican Market on Main Street will be featuring pork tamales this week. 

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